I've been debating for the last few days if this is the right time to talk about how I relapsed after being Quit for five years. When I started the blog, I discussed how I had quit for five years until a series of tragic events occured in my life. I also shared that I had some ambivalence about sharing in the beginning, because to remember, is a bit painful as it is a point of reference of my life where I lost control OR WAIT...lost THE PERCEPTION of control that I THOUGHT I had. :o)
The reason I've been debating it is, while my experience is highly personal,
it is my prayer/highest intention to reach out and help folks who are in a similar situation. I was touched by several posts in a certain forum, about smoking relapse experiences.
It hurt me to see that folks were feeling so dejected and disappointed because of a relapse. It is my intent to share in order to help heal. It's my belief that while we should keep some things
to ourselves, sometimes, sharing sheds light on an otherwise dark and muddled situation. Sometimes, feeling alone, while going through a rough spot, only adds to an already painful situation. I say sometimes, because now and again, there are times where we all need our private space.
I'm not trying to be all guru-ish or anything like that. I am a woman taking life one day at a time, on purpose. (I like that..think I'll used it more often..lol.) I just want to pay it forward, because I have
been blessed in so many other areas of my life.
Okay, here we go. This is how I relapsed. It was a dark and stormy night...lol. No. Wait. I like this intro better; "Once upon a time," I decided to Quit Smoking. Just like this quit, I just stopped. Was it difficult? Yes, but in a different way. See, I had become a vegetarian and was really health conscious with one major flaw; I smoked.
Makes no damn sense right? You can say it. I said it to myself many times. Because it was the TRUTH! I quit back then, because I was afraid not to. Truth is, I really didn't want to quit initially. I started to feel good about My Quit, all those years ago, after 10 months. Initially my logic was, "Okay if I cut out the meat, I can have the ciggy's." Can we say, "Stinkin' Thinkin'?" Or better still, how about, "Just plain stupid." Yep. Just plain stupid. After becoming really health conscious, I started to feel a bad vibe about smoking, so I quit.
I remained Quit & Happy, until a series of events, just broke me into a million tiny little pieces.
Over the course of several years, I started to experience one bad event, after the other. In a nutshell, I lost my job, my apartment, my car, my self worth, all in a matter of four months.
And get this, it was by no fault of my own. It was all because someone who I didn't know, decided to pretend to be me, and used my personal information while being arrested on a federal charge. Because of the type of work I do, it was HELL trying to get my info clear in order to work again. Please people, WATCH YOUR PERSONAL INFORMATION!! Get this: I remained smoke free, through it all. Not once did I think about smoking.
As I began to see the light at the end of the tunnel, or what I thought was light at the time, a long
time friend and I, started to see each other again, only this time, romantically. I believed that re-uniting with him, was a sign that everything was getting better. We had initiated something years ago and didn't follow through. We simply moved a part. We'd always been friends, just not romantic partners. Little did I know, that my life would never be the same in a very short time.
One evening, my friend came over to shoot the breeze. We hadn't spent any time together for a few days because our work schedules wouldn't permit it. We had a good time during this visit. We teased a bit and he even chased me around the dining-room table to get a hug. After we finished acting like two silly teenagers, he left to go get a haircut and to get his beard trimmed. About an hour later, he called me from the barbershop to let me know that he was thinking of me, and asked if I loved him still. I laughed and said, "Of course I do. Yes, I love you."
Later that night, a mutual friend of ours, came over. It was late, even for my friend and her husband to be out. I should have known immediately that the news wasn't good. My friend said
to me, "Sit down, I have something to tell you." I sat down and immediately, I became dizzy. I hadn't even heard what my friend was about to tell me.
She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "Brian* is dead."
Within that moment, it was as if time had stopped. I stood up, to reach out. The only thing I could hear is the muffled sound of my girlfriend crying in her husbands chest. My ears felt hot and I felt this pressure on top of my head. I looked at my friend and her husband, it felt as though my internal organs had dropped inside my body. I became nauseous. My legs became very weak. I could feel the floor coming up to meet me. I screamed and then, everything went dark.
I could not wrap my brain around someone who I just spent time with, being dead. How could he be? I just saw him. This was impossible. They had to have the wrong guy. We just spent time together, teasing, kissing, hugging. We were just laughing at each other. We were just making plans to spend the following weekend together.
What made this more difficult is that he didn't die of natural causes or some exotic disease. Approximately two hours after we parted, my friend was dead, because he was murdered.
He was gone and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it.
Within three days time of hearing this news, I started smoking again, after five years of being quit. Instead of stopping after one cigg, I continued to smoke. I needed the ciggs to go with the alcohol that I consumed in order to stay numb. See, the ciggs would intensify the effect
of the alcohol, thus making it possible for me to go to sleep every night until the funeral.
I told myself, after I get through this, I'll quit. Nope. I did not quit. Immediately, I stopped the evening drinking after the funeral, but I kept on smoking. The very next year, around the same time, almost the same day, my best friend passed away. Did I stop smoking? Nope. Once again, I needed the ciggy's to cope with the loss of my friend. The very next year, I lost one of my parents. Did that stop me? Nope. I needed the ciggy's to remain calm and composed, yanno, appear to have it all together, despite feeling that the world was falling down around me.
By this time, I was a walking time-bomb. While I put on a good face and held my composure, I was a nervous wreck inside. I was so angry with the God of my understanding. I was afraid during certain times of the year, that I would lose more of my friends and loved ones. It felt like my life had fallen into a damn pattern. Hell, for a while there, I thought I was going to die. As a matter of fact, there are days that I still feel this way. I'm not claiming my end, but one thing they will NOT say is, "Oh, it was because she was smoking!" - NOT!! (vicious eye roll)
Which brings me to my truth for this month. December, specifically the 25th, is a hard time for me. This is the month that serves as a trigger for me, because of loss and separation issues. Am I going to smoke? Nope. How do I know? Well, I know now because I can identify one of my main triggers. Where I failed on my previous Quit was, I had not made provisions for myself to be able to cope with separation and loss.
How the hell was I supposed to prepare for that? Who knows before hand, that their friend/lover is about to be murdered? Or who the hell knows when a best friend or parent, is about to make transition? Nobody I know!
The truth is, we can't plan for everything. The only thing we can do is be sure that we are able
and ready to handle anything by setting up an action plan and a support network for times that represent more stress than others.
I relapsed because I failed to plan. Although I was unaware of it, by not having a plan, I was actually planning to fail from jump street. I say all of this to say, that if you've relapsed after 2 weeks of quitting, imagine relapsing after five years. It took me several years of smoking, to finally say, "I've had enough. I Want My Smoke-Free, Quit Life back!"
Well, here I am now today, almost two months out. I appreciate each and every one of you who has checked out the blog. I only pray/hope that what I have shared, serves as an inspiration in some capacity.
I do believe that we are sent here, in this time and space, to be of assistance to each other, in the midsts of our struggles, in order to make it, just one more day. We, each of us, regardless of what we believe, what we look like, where we come from, are the hope, the justice, and the love we've been looking for - some of us just haven't figured that out yet. *wink/humble smile*
I'm going to try to get in a few more posts before the end of the year, but if I don't,
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa to all those who celebrate these festive holidays. If I have omitted your festive holiday, charge it to my head and not my heart.
Om Mani Padme Hum.. (*smiling deep within*) I celebrate the lives of my friends and family whom have made their spirit transition. My life has been enriched because of your loving energy.
Dedicating this post to anyone who relapsed this month.
Don't beat yourself UP; Lift yourself UP!
and
Get Back On Your Quit Game!
Peace, Love, & "Happy New Year," to the World.
Peace, Love, & Freedom to My Rocktober Family where-ever in the world you may be.
To Everyone thinking about Quitting and to those early on in their Quit, take it one day at a time, my lovelies!! You CAN do it!!
"We're Bringin' Smokeless Baaack!"
(to Justin Timberlake's, SexyBack..)
"SEXY & NicoFree ~ Not One Puff Evah, Baby!!!"
*Not his real name
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