One of the things I find to be a challenge is applying what I have learned
or studied in order to sustain my inner peace, in a heated moment.
I still catch myself, when I am about to lose it.
Is this a left over from My Quit? Could be, but I doubt it. I have always
had a very short fuse with folks who are mean, nasty, and insensitive.
I don't think I have "arrived" where I want to be in terms of shutting off the
automatic response when I get upset/angry. Heck, I don't even think I'm
at the train station. lol.
I am however, very conscious of my behavior. I have everything else
under (perceived) control. It's important for me to keep balance with all
things. If you knew what I did for a living, you'd laugh. Trust me.
You'd think that a lot of this comes second nature, but some of it doesn't.
What I have found, thus far is, it's about seconds. It's about mindfulness
during those seconds when you are in a heated discussion or you feel you are
about to blow. You have to slow your time, down, or your perception of
time, It takes practice, but it can be done. I've done it.
"Why do you care? If someone says/does something mean or hurtful,
they deserve what you give them."
Nope. I don't think so. Not in all cases. And believe me, it's also
not about suppressing your feelings. Anybody who tells you that it is,
is full of fiddle faddle and malarkey.
See, here is my thought; "YOU CAN'T UNHEAR OR UNFEEL WORDS
ONCE THEY HAVE BEEN SPOKEN." To me, it's so much better to
manage your response than have to say, "I'm sorry," or "Forgive me," or
"I apologize for hurting your feelings."
It's not that I have an issue with apologizing. Nope. That's not it.It's just
that I feel (strongly) that sometimes, even with an apology, that first thrust
of pain, at hearing someone say something that rips you apart, can not be undone.
Not even by the most sincere apology will it go away. Somewhere in the
recesses of your mind, you will pull back that memory, when you least expect it, or
least need to relive it.
I think that our destiny is determined by our ability to control how we
respond in that split second that has the ability to change our lives
for good, or for not so good. To me, it boils down to our ability to
control our breath/breathing in the moment. The breath of life.
The breath is life. You can alter the course/direction of your life
by working with the breath.
Now, here's the deal. If you're still smoking..uhm..alright...nevermind.
I'm not gonna preach. I didn't like folks preaching to me when I was smoked.
"Well, how do you do this breathing thing, Obi?"
I can tell you how I have managed to do it a few times. Like I said, I'm
not there yet. But I am getting there, slowly but surely.
When I get upset, (which is really a feeling of loss of control or feeling
of being attacked), I feel my face tighten, my nose flare, my eyes squint,
the tops of my ears get hot, my mind focuses in real tight to find a
grammatically correct, "shuttem' down," kick ass retort, my heart-rate increases,
my tummy feels anxious, and through all of this, I have not taken a breath.
Seriously. It is the lack of breathing, that gets me/us, every single time.
Now you might thing this has taken about two or three minutes.
Nope. This happens in seconds.
The last time this happened to me, I became really aware of how tense my
body became and that I had stopped breathing. I stopped. Looked around me.
Took a breath. Blinked my eyes and thought of humming. All of this, happened
for me, in slow motion. As I took the breath, I payed attention to my inner me.
I'm going to be very blunt here with what I said to myself. Nope, it's not pretty
and I do need to change it, to reflect a more peaceful resolution for working
through changing my automatic response. I smiled, and I said,
"F*%k you. You are not worth my peace," and I laughed (actually with a snort)
shook my head, and walked away.
I think, what has changed is that, it's not a fleeting, superficial, act for me
anymore. I mean it, when I say these affirmations to myself.
I need to re-work the phrase for a better fit. It's freeing for me as is, but it's also very toxic.
The other reason I need to re-work it, is that, we all have worth.
Just because we don't agree with someone or like them doesn't devalue their personhood.
Everybody on this earth, has worth to someone else, even if it's for a moment in time.
Anyhooo, I quit smoking four months ago, my lovelies. I am not going to replace one toxin for another. *wink*
Welcome to Rick Hubbard. Thanks for coming along for the ride!!! :o)
Sending Healing Love & Energy to my ROCKTOBER Family, where-ever in
the world, you may be. Also sending Healing Energy to all those who may have
just quit and to those whom are still smoking, but thinking about quitting.
I might not post every single day, but I am here for ya. Remember that, if you
should feel alone in your quest to Quit Smoking. :o)
One Human Love, For the World.
Obi :o)
