Today is September 27th. It is my 11th Month Quit. I should be happy and ecstatic, but I am not. I have been pondering as to whether I should even continue the blog.
I am not in a happy or peaceful place and I'm not sure how I am going to find the spirit to motivate folks to not smoke, when I, myself, don't feel motivated to consistently stay Quit? I mean, I have not smoked but, my God, the temptation is on me like a coat.
Early in September, a few days after my last entry, my Loved One who had stage four breast cancer, succumbed to the disease. I have so much anger and sadness. I have so many different emotions running through me at this time. I am trying to keep perspective because at this point, this entry is so not about me and my Quit. I mean, it may be, it just doesn't feel like it.
The reason why I'm not sure about continuing the blog is that, my focus for the time being, is diminished. Here's my issue; I feel guilty about working through my trigger, which is separation and loss, yet losing my loved one to cancer. I know that sounds so incredibly stupid. It's just how I feel.
I remember standing over her when we went to preview her body the day before the funeral. I asked myself, "What was the point of quitting?" Here lies my relative in this coffin, who never smoked anything, gone from breast cancer. I could not make sense of what happened. I felt guilty for living. My loved one never did anything to get breast cancer, yet she is gone.
As I said, this is so not about me and my Quit. I'm not even happy that I dealt with the separation and loss trigger and didn't smoke. I wanted to smoke. I wanted it so bad. I want it now as I am typing this. The issue is, I just can't bring myself to smoke.
Want to hear something else even more stupid? In some way, I felt as though I was tempting fate by admitting my trigger to the world, because in the end, it felt like some twist of fate, put the trigger right in front of me to deal with, with one of my own family members!
I do not want anyone who is reading this to use what I am sharing to justify smoking. That isn't the point of this entry. The point of this entry is to be candid and share what I am feeling and to some degree, how I am dealing with it.
I'm angry because I feel that all the money that is collected on these Breast Cancer marathons and walks should have funded a cure by now, but it hasn't. I've read an article that even says that some of the fundraisers for Breast Cancer don't even turn over a considerable amount of money to Breast Cancer research.
My family member fought so hard, so hard. I can't believe that she is gone. It hurts so much. She was only in her early fifties. She had so much to live for. I know I am not the only person who has been touched by this, and won't be the last. It's just so devastating to watch over time. It's devastating to see your loved one in so much pain, yet try to keep hope that something can be done, and know that life is ending.
How the hell do you wake up every day, knowing that your life is truly about to end...not metaphorically, but LITERALLY?!?! and have the courage to keep going???
How the hell do you deal with the fact that you did everything the doctors asked you do to from the mastectomy to the repeated chemo and radiation and YOU STILL END UP DYING?? How the F*ck do you DEAL WITH THAT???
I am so so so so so angry. I miss my loved one. I will miss her for the rest of my life.
Somebody out there, please pray for me and my family. We are small group and this was a major blow to our family unit.
I'm gonna stop now because the tears are building and I just can't keep this up.
Major Healing Energy and Love to anyone dealing with any type of cancer. Major Healing Energy and Love to the families supporting those dealing with any types of cancer.
Much healing love to the world (for all those who are willing to receive it.)
Peace.
Obi.
